And the Problem Is

I tossed and turned all night.

Loosing the essence of who my mom is. The core of her personality. That is what is the hardest.

The missing words ... the delusions ... the forgetfulness ... I think I could deal with all of that. I might even be able to deal with the cognitive delays (is that what it's called when a highly intelligent person becomes less intelligent?).

But her total change in personality is what is so doggone difficult!

My mom has always been ...how do I put this gently ...self centered. She has NEVER been selfish. The distinction is important.

Selfishness comes with an inate purpose ... an intent to be that way.

SelfishSelf"ish\,

a. 1. Caring supremely or unduly for one's self;
regarding one's own comfort, advantage, etc., in disregard, or at the
expense,
of those of others

self-cen·tered

1.
concerned solely or chiefly with
one's own interests, welfare, etc.; engrossed in self;

The major difference ... the disregard of others. The 'advantage' etc. Being self centered rather than selfish ... is simply a self protective guard that many children of abusive and alcoholic parents often find themselves in. The fact that my mother was simply self centered and not selfish was in and of itself a miracle.

My mom was never ever mean. EVER.

Not ever.

She was, quite simply, one of the gentlest creatures I could have ever imagined. I'm not sure gentle is a word I'd have thought to have used 10 years ago to describe her. She's always been extremely uncoordinated because of her bout with polio. But her personality has been very gentle. Her inability to learn as a child, a severe learning disability, and unable to read until the 8th grade ... left her determined to see that no other child felt the way she had.

She got her degree in special education and became a highly successful special education teacher. A highly loved teacher. A highly successful teacher.

She went on to get her master's in education for the emotionally disturbed and worked in an institution for the emotionally disturbed. Working with middle school boys.

I cannot imagine a harder subset of our society to work with. Middle school. Boys. Emotionally Disturbed. Learning Disabled.

Yet she did it, for over 10 years. She won awards and so many of them I can't even begin to name them ... I know some of them were Who's Who amoung American teachers, who's who amoung American special ed teachers. She won awards in teaching for the emotionally disturbed and she began teaching/parent associations.

She was ... an incredible force in the educational field for both the student and the parent. Administrators occassionally found fault with her, but only because the parents said "Mrs P said the law says ..." and she was right. She stood up for the child. Her children in her classroom never ever failed to make at least a years worth of progress.

Professionally she was incredible.

She had the awards to prove it. She had the accolades of the parents and students to prove it.

At home, she struggled. She often didn't know how to handle a distant daughter (my sister) who refused to open up about any emotion whatsoever.

And as far as her youngest daughter (me) she was prepared for a whisper and got a tornado. The wave of emotions that started in infancy and just didn't stop until age 14 .. and then stopped all together ... she was totally unprepared (and unable) to deal with.

As young as 15 months old, I was holding my breath till I passed out just because I was told 'no'. Seizures followed. Scaring her half to death. But ..that became about her having a daughter having a temper issue, not about how to help a daughter deal with a temper issue.

My tornado behavior continued all through my childhood ... and she had no idea how to handle it. At 14, my step father ...her rock, the love of her life ... her absolute foundation ... committed suicide ... and I completely shut off all of my emotions ...to her (and to everyone).

She went from not being able to control me to not being able to get me to say 'boo' and instead of seeing it as an issue, she was, relieved. She still, to this day, does not see how this wasn't a good thing. How my shutting down and her relief of the matter was a problem.

I go through all that to explain the 'self centeredness' rather than selfishness. There was no malice in her in ability to see my issues. There was not cruelty. There was simply a relief in not having to deal with that wild tornado. Looking at it objectively I can get it. Looking at it as a mother, I don't.

HER MOTHER on the other hand ...was mean, and abusive, cruel. Physically and emotionally. If she'd been a parent today she'd have lost all rights. My grandmother was not only self centered but selfish. I wish, the stories of abuse were just through my mother, unfortunately, my sister and I, and all my cousins witnessed the emotional abuse, and to a degree, even some of the physical abuse. A couple of my cousins say they were physically abused by her. I was bit by her ... I'm not at all sure that doesn't fall into that category.

What I'm seeing in my mom now ... is so reminiscent of her mom. I don't know if it is because of what she was shown as a child, that it is what she is going to now?

I know that I have said over and over again, that she is like an 8 year old. Maybe ... she is behaving the way her mother behaved the way when she was 8?

She has lost all social skills. She doesn't remember them and it's hard to deal with. There are times I just want to scream "I know you know this! YOU TAUGHT ME!"

I don't know how to deal with the mean spiritedness. I don't know how to deal with the cognitive issues.

I really don't know how to deal with it when her psychologist supposedly tells her that she's ok, she just has ADHD. (we don't know this for sure, she says that he says this)

How can we help her when her professional tells her that she's not in need of help.

I do know I would have exploded yesterday had I not ran into my former therapist. It was odd timing to say the least.