Responsibility
Not sure how coherant this will be, I've got a migraine going, I'm trying to get thoughts out while they are spinning around ... hoping that will take some of the pressure off my brain.
If you read this, then come back and it's different, you'll know I edited it post migraine. ;o)
I have watched my mom over the years make decisions I didn't always agree with. The choices that she made, I found not quite ...shall we say "tasteful". My mom and step father taught me to make decisions based on my morals, faith and beliefs, and that regardless of the consequences ..even if there might be some negative consequences (short term pain, financial cost, social cost or other wise negative outcome) you MUST stand by your prinicipals.
I was raised to believe that who a person is is seen in the times of pressure ..that when everything is stripped away ... they will still stand for who they are and what they believe in ... that is the meat of who they are.
However, from the time my stepfather died when I was 14 ... I've seen my mother compromise for her comfort on many occassions. It's hurt to watch her agree to contracts at work for better pay even though she didn't like moral clauses in the contracts. I have seen her make compromises with neighbors and ...on a couple of occassions, I've seen her dismiss her faith, to make things easier with a coworker.
So, I've known that what was drilled into me, didn't get practiced in her. I've known this, but it still never ceases to amaze me when I see it.
I TRY to write it off as part of the dementia type behavior, except ... that it started to happen when I was 15 ... shortly after my step father died.
I understand it, to a degree. My mom was a victim of some of the worst childabuse that I can even begin to explain. My grandmother, was absolutely evil. Emotional and physical, psychological and social abuse was meted out to my mother every day of her childhood. The emotional abuse continued to be handed out to my mother until the day my grandmother died in 1993.
That kind of abuse damages a person ...and who they are ... it changes what they can tolerate. I get that ... I really do.
Me getting it, is probably why I've never said anything to my mom about any of this. I've tried to gently keep my mom from compromising when I know that those compromises ..will each and every time do nothing but hurt her in the long run.
Each time she does it, she thinks the short term comfort they bring will be the benifit, and each and everytime they do nothing but bring pain. (which has served to let me know why we have to stand by our principals firmly, regardless of the short term losses and pain)
The frustrations I'm feeling at this point ... is with the conflict of my family.
My mom is moving ...and my sister and her family had planned on helping my mom to move. My husband and I because of our issues in health, can't do it.
My sister ... with all the emotional and spiritual superiority that she had to mete out over my niece decided to take it a step farther ... and lord it over my mom. My mom, who had been so compassionate for my niece, who'd seen the pain my niece was in, who had seen the wrong ...who had seen the absolute twisting of scriptures that my sister and her husband had been using to manipulate their family ... was told that if she supported my niece ...would get no help from them in moving.
If she talks with us, if she has contact with us ... she would get no help from them.
She (niece)must listen to them, and believe that my 22 year old niece is under their authority and must abstain from physical contact with her boyfriend (fiance) until marriage. She must agree with them that she must stop rebelling and come back under the family fold.
And my mother must support my sister in this foolishness ...or my sister will withhold all support in helping my mother move as well as any future support as an elderly parent. She will cut off future contact and she will be forbidden from seeing her other grandchildren (ages 6 and 16)
She must now consider if she is to stay at her church (we go to the same church) of 10 years. Because she is not supposed to stay in a relationship with the 'person' who helped the rebellious daughter.
Excuse me ... I AM this PERSON ... I am her DAUGHTER ... you are asking her to DISOWN her own daughter.
They have not disowned their daughter, they are infact, still including my niece in family dinners and actually helping in the move out. They've participated in some sabotage to try to insure that she's going to return with her tail between her legs which won't happen ...
but, my family is persona non grata for helping her daughter in this 'rebellion' and we are to be treated as such.
My mother, has compromised to allow it.
I'm upset that once again, to make life easier ... instead of going to the church and saying ...I need help moving, and to wait till things settle down (and they will, they always do) to see her other grandchildren ...she's given into this blackmail ... she took the easy road ... to take what serves her purposes.
I'm furious that my sister has chosen this path to blackmail my mom. I think it's a low blow and in a way, in a very big way, it's a form of emotional abuse.
I hope my sister is prepared to handle my mom's medical care ... because she's just blocked me out of the picture.
I guess, for the time being, I'm out of it.
My responsibility ...for now, is lessened.
(??? not really ...because I'm not that type of a person
what will happen, is that when I see the doctor on thursday, is I'll be telling her that she's being manipulated by my sister ... I'll tell my self I'll stay out of it ..and then I won't .... because I won't take the easy way out ... and I'll stand for what I believe ... and in the end, I've taken on the role of medical advocate for my mom
and she is
my responsiblity)
If you read this, then come back and it's different, you'll know I edited it post migraine. ;o)
I have watched my mom over the years make decisions I didn't always agree with. The choices that she made, I found not quite ...shall we say "tasteful". My mom and step father taught me to make decisions based on my morals, faith and beliefs, and that regardless of the consequences ..even if there might be some negative consequences (short term pain, financial cost, social cost or other wise negative outcome) you MUST stand by your prinicipals.
I was raised to believe that who a person is is seen in the times of pressure ..that when everything is stripped away ... they will still stand for who they are and what they believe in ... that is the meat of who they are.
However, from the time my stepfather died when I was 14 ... I've seen my mother compromise for her comfort on many occassions. It's hurt to watch her agree to contracts at work for better pay even though she didn't like moral clauses in the contracts. I have seen her make compromises with neighbors and ...on a couple of occassions, I've seen her dismiss her faith, to make things easier with a coworker.
So, I've known that what was drilled into me, didn't get practiced in her. I've known this, but it still never ceases to amaze me when I see it.
I TRY to write it off as part of the dementia type behavior, except ... that it started to happen when I was 15 ... shortly after my step father died.
I understand it, to a degree. My mom was a victim of some of the worst childabuse that I can even begin to explain. My grandmother, was absolutely evil. Emotional and physical, psychological and social abuse was meted out to my mother every day of her childhood. The emotional abuse continued to be handed out to my mother until the day my grandmother died in 1993.
That kind of abuse damages a person ...and who they are ... it changes what they can tolerate. I get that ... I really do.
Me getting it, is probably why I've never said anything to my mom about any of this. I've tried to gently keep my mom from compromising when I know that those compromises ..will each and every time do nothing but hurt her in the long run.
Each time she does it, she thinks the short term comfort they bring will be the benifit, and each and everytime they do nothing but bring pain. (which has served to let me know why we have to stand by our principals firmly, regardless of the short term losses and pain)
The frustrations I'm feeling at this point ... is with the conflict of my family.
My mom is moving ...and my sister and her family had planned on helping my mom to move. My husband and I because of our issues in health, can't do it.
My sister ... with all the emotional and spiritual superiority that she had to mete out over my niece decided to take it a step farther ... and lord it over my mom. My mom, who had been so compassionate for my niece, who'd seen the pain my niece was in, who had seen the wrong ...who had seen the absolute twisting of scriptures that my sister and her husband had been using to manipulate their family ... was told that if she supported my niece ...would get no help from them in moving.
If she talks with us, if she has contact with us ... she would get no help from them.
She (niece)must listen to them, and believe that my 22 year old niece is under their authority and must abstain from physical contact with her boyfriend (fiance) until marriage. She must agree with them that she must stop rebelling and come back under the family fold.
And my mother must support my sister in this foolishness ...or my sister will withhold all support in helping my mother move as well as any future support as an elderly parent. She will cut off future contact and she will be forbidden from seeing her other grandchildren (ages 6 and 16)
She must now consider if she is to stay at her church (we go to the same church) of 10 years. Because she is not supposed to stay in a relationship with the 'person' who helped the rebellious daughter.
Excuse me ... I AM this PERSON ... I am her DAUGHTER ... you are asking her to DISOWN her own daughter.
They have not disowned their daughter, they are infact, still including my niece in family dinners and actually helping in the move out. They've participated in some sabotage to try to insure that she's going to return with her tail between her legs which won't happen ...
but, my family is persona non grata for helping her daughter in this 'rebellion' and we are to be treated as such.
My mother, has compromised to allow it.
I'm upset that once again, to make life easier ... instead of going to the church and saying ...I need help moving, and to wait till things settle down (and they will, they always do) to see her other grandchildren ...she's given into this blackmail ... she took the easy road ... to take what serves her purposes.
I'm furious that my sister has chosen this path to blackmail my mom. I think it's a low blow and in a way, in a very big way, it's a form of emotional abuse.
I hope my sister is prepared to handle my mom's medical care ... because she's just blocked me out of the picture.
I guess, for the time being, I'm out of it.
My responsibility ...for now, is lessened.
(??? not really ...because I'm not that type of a person
what will happen, is that when I see the doctor on thursday, is I'll be telling her that she's being manipulated by my sister ... I'll tell my self I'll stay out of it ..and then I won't .... because I won't take the easy way out ... and I'll stand for what I believe ... and in the end, I've taken on the role of medical advocate for my mom
and she is
my responsiblity)
Labels: responsibility
posted by 30 years from Darling at
6:41 PM
3 Comments:
I think your mom is just tired. Tired of fighting, tired of confrontations, tired of being manipulated by her mother and now by her daughter. She may be tired of life. Let her be - let her handle situations the way she can.
I am not sure, this is just a guess, but maybe dementia people cannot think "long-term".
Another thing - when her husband died, maybe a small part of her died too.
Hugs to you - it's not easy, is it?
I cannot stick her in the middle of my sisters absurdity. So, I vent here ... vent to my husband and cry on his shoulder.
Other than that, she'll know nothing of my dismay. I'll still be here when she realizes that she's been manipulated and still needs me.
I'll still be available to the doctors, and let the doctors know, that she can't know that I've let them know. It may put her at risk of my sisters abuse.
A HUGE part of her died when Daddy died. She became a zombie for 10 years, only came out of it when my son was born. So, really, I only had 'her' until she started to disappear to this dementia again from his birth till a few years ago.
Every woman should have a love of her life in what she had in my step father. That she only had him for 13 years is a tragedy, but she loved him so, and he thought the moon was hung for her ... when he died ... a big chunk of her heart went. A big piece of her strength went.
The saddest part I'm finding in this whole mess, is that she's remembering the marriage to my real father rather than my wonderful step father. She remembers pain rather than joy. I think that's a pity. Dementia shouldn't be allowed to take joy from someone and leave only bitterness.
Oh PK, I'm so sorry that your situation has gone from bad to even more complicated. If ever your Mom could understand the subtleties of human nature (and I gather she was extremely bright and capable), she sure as heck can't now. So I doubt her decision is an expedient one as much as a 'whatever you're proposing, daughter, I don't get it but I guess it's okay because I need help moving.' You must feel like you're Alice in Wonderland with your sister; hard to believe she's even talking the same language or feeling the same filial love.
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