Stunned, Flabbergasted ... And all that entails

Ok, so those who care for my mental health .. and physical health ... have frequently tried to get me to take a step back from my mom's health care.

My feeling is that they don't quite *GET* it.

They see the stress it puts me under. They see that I have Myasthenia Gravis and Lupus and have a husband with health issues and to them ..it's case closed.
Pk has a healthy sister ...let her take care of the mother. End of story.

With all that has gone on ... and over the last 2 months ... I've listened to those who care for me. I've stepped back ...and in the last 2 weeks with the family chaos, been shoved to the back seat.

I've just had a HUGE shock.

While I've been letting my sister take the lead on caring for my mom ... and letting my mom make decisions that she's claiming she's able to make ...

I just let my mom's health be put at a HUGE risk.

My mom fainted in December, and their best guess ... TIA.
She has right sided weakness ... but it was hard to tell because of the severity of weakness due to Post Polio syndrome.

She's had a hip replacement and a knee replacement.

The weakness and balance issues caused by the issue in December were SO severe that she's been on a walker since then. The physical therapist graduated her to a cane in late May. Her first foray with a cane was my sons graduation. At which time, she fell.

In the fifteen months, she's had NINE falls ..yes .. NINE .. in those falls ..she's broken a total of 8 bones. 2 bones in her hand, one in her wrist, 2 ribs and a chip of bone off her knee and 2 fingers.

So ...what has knocked me off my kiester?
My brother in law brought the van to my niece (they borrowed it to help my mom move) at 11 pm last night. He told my husband about all the stuff she has that is just plain junk. (Mom is a horder, like her mom and sister). Then said what made it so very hard wasn't all the junk, but hauling it all *upstairs* ...

EXCUSE ME?

Mom has a second floor apartment?!?!?
On stairs ...with an outside staircase ..that will get ICED over during the winter ... and because it's a retirement home, not an assisted living, they are not required to salt or clear walkways.

No lifts, no elevators ... just a staircase .. a cement bouncing ground for her to fall down when she is weak ...or unbalanced !

Who in the WORLD allowed this. (besides myself?)

Yes, I'm feeling rather responsible. I stayed totally out of her moving, and I did it on purpose. I did not have anything to do with her getting a new place, or choosing an apartment ... or when she'd move. I did leave it up to my sister to help ...throughout the process.

I tried to force my sister into stepping up to the plate in helping to care for my mom. This, is what it gets me.

Today, my PCP referred me to a GI for evaluation for an ulcer ... you should be inside my gut right now. It's seizing up tighter than fort knox! If I had any doubt that it was an ulcer before this moment, I don't now.

I called my mom and said "SECOND FLOOR?"
"Yes, it would have been another 2 months before they had a first floor available"

AND????

(rent is identical to where she is)

"I wanted to get moving"

Then I asked the question I never should have asked.
"How are you going to afford gas to get to and from church when you couldn't afford it when you lived 2 blocks from church and where is your closest grocery store?"

"The closest grocery store is 2 miles from me. I figured if I couldn't afford gas I could ride with you."

"Mom, if I didn't have room in the car for you, your walker, Don and his walker when you lived 2 blocks from church, how am I going to have room now?" (our car rides 4 ... we have 4 in our family ... she also moved 3 miles the opposite direction from church..so it'd be 6 miles on our gas)

"oh, well maybe you could take the boys and Don to church and then come back and get me?"

"Mom, driving makes me tired, and you want me to drive 8 miles to church, drop the guys off and then drive 11 miles to your place, pick you up, then drive 11 miles to church, drive 11 miles to drop you off and then drive 11 miles to pick up the guys and then drive 8 miles home? And who's going to stay at church to keep it open with them while they wait for transportation?"

"oh, I hadn't thought of that."

" Besides, there is still the issue of the walkers if you take it to church. Don doesn't take his remember, but it's still in the car if he needs it. If you take yours, then he's forced to take his to make room for yours. That's why I arranged for transportation for you when you couldn't drive."

"oh"

"speaking of which, has the doctor cleared you for driving more than 2 miles?"
"no"
"And so you moved clear out of town"
"yes, I liked the apartments"

"how far is it to the grocery store?"

"2 miles"
ok
"How far to the doctors?"

"well, she just moved, so that's not an issue"

"Mom, I've got the same group of doctors, they moved right across the street from where they are"
"oh, didn't think you were staying with them."

"how far?"

"10 or 12 miles"

And it was how far?
5 miles

So you've moved 11 miles from church
12 miles from doc
2 miles from food

and 10 miles from your closest friend ...

"But I like the apartment"

"BUT IT'S ON THE SECOND FLOOR"

"but I like the apartment"

"keep your cell phone with you incase you fall " ...oh, and call Debbie first"

I didn't say that last part ... I oh so wanted to ... but I didn't. Besides ... look what letting my sister take the lead got me. A mother in a second story apartment. (which by the way, I can't climb the stairs to ....)

Responsibility

Not sure how coherant this will be, I've got a migraine going, I'm trying to get thoughts out while they are spinning around ... hoping that will take some of the pressure off my brain.

If you read this, then come back and it's different, you'll know I edited it post migraine. ;o)

I have watched my mom over the years make decisions I didn't always agree with. The choices that she made, I found not quite ...shall we say "tasteful". My mom and step father taught me to make decisions based on my morals, faith and beliefs, and that regardless of the consequences ..even if there might be some negative consequences (short term pain, financial cost, social cost or other wise negative outcome) you MUST stand by your prinicipals.

I was raised to believe that who a person is is seen in the times of pressure ..that when everything is stripped away ... they will still stand for who they are and what they believe in ... that is the meat of who they are.

However, from the time my stepfather died when I was 14 ... I've seen my mother compromise for her comfort on many occassions. It's hurt to watch her agree to contracts at work for better pay even though she didn't like moral clauses in the contracts. I have seen her make compromises with neighbors and ...on a couple of occassions, I've seen her dismiss her faith, to make things easier with a coworker.

So, I've known that what was drilled into me, didn't get practiced in her. I've known this, but it still never ceases to amaze me when I see it.

I TRY to write it off as part of the dementia type behavior, except ... that it started to happen when I was 15 ... shortly after my step father died.

I understand it, to a degree. My mom was a victim of some of the worst childabuse that I can even begin to explain. My grandmother, was absolutely evil. Emotional and physical, psychological and social abuse was meted out to my mother every day of her childhood. The emotional abuse continued to be handed out to my mother until the day my grandmother died in 1993.

That kind of abuse damages a person ...and who they are ... it changes what they can tolerate. I get that ... I really do.

Me getting it, is probably why I've never said anything to my mom about any of this. I've tried to gently keep my mom from compromising when I know that those compromises ..will each and every time do nothing but hurt her in the long run.

Each time she does it, she thinks the short term comfort they bring will be the benifit, and each and everytime they do nothing but bring pain. (which has served to let me know why we have to stand by our principals firmly, regardless of the short term losses and pain)

The frustrations I'm feeling at this point ... is with the conflict of my family.

My mom is moving ...and my sister and her family had planned on helping my mom to move. My husband and I because of our issues in health, can't do it.

My sister ... with all the emotional and spiritual superiority that she had to mete out over my niece decided to take it a step farther ... and lord it over my mom. My mom, who had been so compassionate for my niece, who'd seen the pain my niece was in, who had seen the wrong ...who had seen the absolute twisting of scriptures that my sister and her husband had been using to manipulate their family ... was told that if she supported my niece ...would get no help from them in moving.

If she talks with us, if she has contact with us ... she would get no help from them.
She (niece)must listen to them, and believe that my 22 year old niece is under their authority and must abstain from physical contact with her boyfriend (fiance) until marriage. She must agree with them that she must stop rebelling and come back under the family fold.
And my mother must support my sister in this foolishness ...or my sister will withhold all support in helping my mother move as well as any future support as an elderly parent. She will cut off future contact and she will be forbidden from seeing her other grandchildren (ages 6 and 16)

She must now consider if she is to stay at her church (we go to the same church) of 10 years. Because she is not supposed to stay in a relationship with the 'person' who helped the rebellious daughter.

Excuse me ... I AM this PERSON ... I am her DAUGHTER ... you are asking her to DISOWN her own daughter.

They have not disowned their daughter, they are infact, still including my niece in family dinners and actually helping in the move out. They've participated in some sabotage to try to insure that she's going to return with her tail between her legs which won't happen ...

but, my family is persona non grata for helping her daughter in this 'rebellion' and we are to be treated as such.

My mother, has compromised to allow it.

I'm upset that once again, to make life easier ... instead of going to the church and saying ...I need help moving, and to wait till things settle down (and they will, they always do) to see her other grandchildren ...she's given into this blackmail ... she took the easy road ... to take what serves her purposes.

I'm furious that my sister has chosen this path to blackmail my mom. I think it's a low blow and in a way, in a very big way, it's a form of emotional abuse.
I hope my sister is prepared to handle my mom's medical care ... because she's just blocked me out of the picture.

I guess, for the time being, I'm out of it.

My responsibility ...for now, is lessened.
(??? not really ...because I'm not that type of a person
what will happen, is that when I see the doctor on thursday, is I'll be telling her that she's being manipulated by my sister ... I'll tell my self I'll stay out of it ..and then I won't .... because I won't take the easy way out ... and I'll stand for what I believe ... and in the end, I've taken on the role of medical advocate for my mom
and she is
my responsiblity)

I think I can I think I can I think I can

A few years ago I figured out I was the little engine that could. It is the part of me that keeps on going despite the lurches that hit me when the electricity that goes out in the middle of the night ...and doesn't come back on for hours. (thank you drunk driver for hitting the transformer! Do you realize that not only could you have hit and killed another driver, it might have been my son coming home from work ...but it could have been my husband on oxygen that you denied electricity)

I posted the following on my other blog about how I manage stress and keep from dragging the stress with me from crisis to crisis.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

I have learned I am a ChooChoo train ......
I think I have figured out how I cope with things. I've been calling it compartmentalizing, but it's more than that. I have people who will come up to me a week or so after I've been sick, or after the boys have been sick and ask if everything is ok and I just give them this blank look, I've gone on, I have no clue what they''re talking about. Those things happen so much, once it's over, it's over ... I just say that I've compartmentalized it and gone on, and that's the best explination I've had ... but today, I came up with a better one ...

I'm a train and I have all these train cars that I have that I'm tugging behind me. Some, like lupus, MG, kids with TS are permanent, other's like flu and Bj's meningitis are temporary. When I get sick with the flu, the flu car gets coupled to my train, making my train just a little harder to pull, I need more steamto get to where I'm going. But when the flu is over, I stop,and uncouple that car and leave it behind, going on with my journey. The eating disorder car, that's probably a permanent car, but it's cargo has been unloaded, it will always be attatched, but the heavy burdened load it was weighted with has been removed, so now, it's just an empty car that I have to be careful doesn't get loaded up again.

I have to be careful that I don't keep going on my journey with train cars that don't need to be still attatched. If one is done, it's important to remember to stop and uncouple it, dragging cars that are no longer existing, is going to make my journey harder. (If I'm constantly thinking about how many cars of colds I've had this year, and not uncoupling them, I need to know how many I've had so my doctor's can take good care of me, but not dwell on them so to speak)

I also need to make sure that I have all the appropriate car trains attatched. So that my train is properly balanced. I have my church car, my family car and my friends car. When the journey gets hard, is it the tracks are going through mountainous regions ? or is that I have more cars attatched and are they permanent and therefore I need to figure out how to add more coal to the engine? Or is it that a temporary flu car has been added that will shortly be uncoupled and out of my way?


**********************************
Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Power
In the first month of my blogging ... I blogged about discovering that my life could be compared to a train ... and this week ... I came across a train on it's tracks and it made me think of life in terms of a train once again. I'd forgotten about my own life comparrison to a train. Until I decided to blog about it.

The minute I started to do so, my brain went ..wait? What did I say before ...

So, I found it ...Tuesday, November 30, 2004I have learned I am a ChooChoo train ......

I think I have figured out how I cope with things. I've been calling it compartmentalizing, but it's more than that. I have people who will come up to me a week or so after I've been sick, or after the boys have been sick and ask if everything is ok and I just give them this blank look, I've gone on, I have no clue what they''re talking about. Those things happen so much, once it's over, it's over ... I just say that I've compartmentalized it and gone on, and that's the best explination I've had ... but today, I came up with a better one ...

I'm a train and I have all these train cars that I have that I'm tugging behind me. Some, like lupus, MG, kids with TS are permanent, other's like flu and Bj's meningitis are temporary.

When I get sick with the flu, the flu car gets coupled to my train, making my train just a little harder to pull, I need more steamto get to where I'm going. But when the flu is over, I stop,and uncouple that car and leave it behind, going on with my journey.

The eating disorder car, that's probably a permanent car, but it's cargo has been unloaded, it will always be attatched, but the heavy burdened load it was weighted with has been removed, so now, it's just an empty car that I have to be careful doesn't get loaded up again. I have to be careful that I don't keep going on my journey with train cars that don't need to be still attatched.

If one is done, it's important to remember to stop and uncouple it, dragging cars that are no longer existing, is going to make my journey harder. (If I'm constantly thinking about how many cars of colds I've had this year, and not uncoupling them, I need to know how many I've had so my doctor's can take good care of me, but not dwell on them so to speak)

I also need to make sure that I have all the appropriate car trains attatched. So that my train is properly balanced. I have my church car, my family car and my friends car.

When the journey gets hard, is it the tracks are going through mountainous regions ? or is that I have more cars attatched and are they permanent and therefore I need to figure out how to add more coal to the engine? Or is it that a temporary flu car has been added that will shortly be uncoupled and out of my way? *************************************************************************************

So ... I've got that part figured out ...but what I failed to figure out was ...who and what is controling the engine cars? AM I the engine cars? Am I the engineer? Do I simply hire someone? Contract that job out? Or, am I the engine of the train itself.

The engine of the train, is in fact, it's most important factor.

Without an engine ... the train simply sits on the tracks ... doing nothing ... and going no where ... just sitting waiting for the cargo to be loaded or unloaded. Sitting there ... rusting ...useless in their journey. Their wheels cannot be used for what God intended the wheels to be used for, because the engine is not pulling them.

They sit ... quiet, and unassuming, apparently useless, maybe having had a use at one time, but now pitiful and with soemthing to be written off as potentially useful.


With the engine, the train can work ... in the coldest of weather, to work in the snow and the ice ...and in the lonely times. When others say it may not be the wisest time to go, the Engine gives the train the power and strength to go where it needs to go .. to keep the train on the track ... and to get to the destination, safely.


Sometimes a lonely, quiet steady job, but it will get done.

Then there are the times when it feels like we're never going to be seen or noticed again, the train engine, will for sure, get ALL the glory.

The maginficent engine ...and all it's hard work ... everything it's done to save us ... and all it's done to put help us ...to save us and to guide us ..to protect us and to lead us ... and we just want to be shown off ...just a little bit?

Would it really be such a shame for the train to want to be separate from the Engines every now and then? Is it really that important/ Do we REALLY have travel wITH the engine every single time? Why ... why can't we, as the train make it on our own ...just once ... we could give the credit to the things the train engine had taught us .


.. So I think ... tonight ... we are going to try .... to do things ourselves.

The train itself will move the heart and goals and dreams of the spirit along. Making sure that the callings of God and the work He's called us to get done. The train, without the Glory Seeking Engines ... will now be responsible for getting the body and the body's family to all appropriate functions. Physically and emotionally. This should be an exciting time in the New Eagler Transportation system!

What? ... What? ... you mean there is a problem? What? You've had all of a couple of minutes and you can't even get going? What do you mean you can't go? It's simple ... the back car has Nanna on it, she needs extra care and be transported to and from work. Get going! What? What? push it?
What?
we can't?
are you serious?
not even a little?
Well, get nanna to sit and take a day off.
Sigh ... prayer car ... what do you mean the prayer car is falling a part.
Yes, I agreed to pray for a certain number of people, Beths, house, and Melissa at college, Wanda, and Mom.
The funeral today ..what's the problem? What do you mean?


WHY do I need a train engine to pray? oh that just doesn't make sense! I'm going to have to come back to that one! I'm so frustrated, how hard can this be ... lets try to get the directions straight ... shouold we go this way or that way...the map isn't even clear!

There are so many decisions, Why is it when I'm reading this in the navigators car, it all makes soooo much sense????????

I'm going for a walk ......


The full train ... the engine .. it gives the train it's power ... the power comes from the Holy spirit ... it is the guidance needed, the navigation ... the wisdom ... The engines ... give extra power .... for the prayers to be powerful and spirit led!


The train .. .is all me, but cannot function without the fullness of the holy spirit ( the train engine) He is the one who enfuses my train with the power to be what it was called to be ... and is destined to be.


We saw a train sitting ... 3 miles from it's train engine ...and the engine just drove off ... leaving it's train sitting there and I thought ... no Lord ...please, don't ever leave me .... take me along with you. Infuse my train with your power. I am useless without you and I simply want to be your servent to do your desire.

Response to Contemplations

I started to comment to Wendy and Femail Doc in the comment section, it turned into a blog post, so ... I moved it to a blog post. *grin*

Wendy thank you for your comments. The encouragement helps. I hope you're right about the helping getting through.

My 6 year old niece went into R's room while she was packing and was crying. Telling her she shouldn't move out ..she isn't supposed to move out till she was married. She shouldn't move to Aunt Peggi's and Aunt Peggi shouldn't be helping her.

All I could think of was how awful to manipulate a 6 year old little girl to do such a thing!! To put her in such a position! While I know she is heartbroken at loosing her older sister, those ideas didn't just 'get there'.

Maybe, when she's older, the idea that maybe I *should* very well have helped will be there.
Femail doc, yeah, it gets complicated. Ironically, it doesn't feel complicated most of the time. (which used to frustrate the daylights out of my therapist, she felt it was a form of denial, maybe so, maybe not.)

I think, there is enough laughter,

joy

and a place to vent

(blogs, my writings, prayer, faith etc)

to balance out the rough and weird stuff.

Add to that, I have very long standing friendships
... one goes clear back to 2nd grade, another to 4th grade ...
and SEVERAL from high school have been re established ...
as well as the support system I have in place here.
Not to mention good medical care.

Another thing that I think helps is expectations for life.
I don't expect it to be easy. I never thought I was 'owed' anything.

I've never had to say 'why me' but rather ..if it can happen to my neighbor, why not me as well. It's not a matter of placing blame, but getting through.

I also don't spend a lot of time in fear. What happens, happens. That's not to say I'm not afraid .. I have my moments.

I usually blog about them.

When they happen.

Then ... I go on with life ..

and laugh with my family

and don't let them take over.

When the electricity goes off and I hear my husband's compressor's alarm go off ... my stomach LURCHES.
When the electricity comes back on, life goes on.

When my mom can't comprehend what is going on, my heart breaks ... but I don't spend too much time dwelling on what will be.

I simply cannot live that way. It would destroy me ..and I cannot afford to be destroyed

Contemplations

A week ago, we got a new puppy. The how is a bit complicated. She wasn't planned. But we love her. She will be very good for Don ..and I think we'll be able to actually train her to help him. (assuming we can train her to not chew on the oxygen tubing!!!)

I showed Mom her picture on Sunday ...then took her over to see Mom on Monday. Today, I mentioned her to my mom on the phone and my mom said "What Puppy?!!?? You did not tell me you got a puppy!"

I reminded her that I showed her the picture and brought her by on Monday and she got upset and said I may have showed someone else at the church picnic, but I totally ignored her. (not true) And that she hadn't seen me in 2 weeks, so there is no way that I could have brought the puppy by to see her. I reminded her that I brought the puppy by when I brought the check for the cell phones. She insisted that I'd mailed the checks. Nope, didn't do that.

Sigh.

So, this weekend, our family life will change dramatically. My niece, 22 years old will be moving in with us. My sister, probably will not be speaking to me for the rest of my life. She is furious with me for helping my niece in her 'rebellion'.

What I've learned in the last week ..is why I'm not getting help from my sister with my mom. Her judgemental nature and insistance that someone adhere to her strict standards ...is impossible. My niece is being disowned for the simple fact that, at 22 she wants to hold hands with her boyfriend. My sister, quite literally, called her a hypocrite, said she needed to come back under their umbrella of authority and 'regain her salvation' and that she because she wanted a 'physical relationship' with her boyfriend was subject to Romans 1.

In Romans 1, Paul was talking to the Jews who were participating in all kinds of sexual immorality, beastiality, sexual 'gifts' to idols ..and God said that he would give those to the lusts of the flesh. Holding hands with ones boyfriend comes anywhere near this level of sexual sin!

Even if it *did* this would be it would be between her and God, not her and them. (what happened to Romans 2:1 ..judge not, lest you be judged (or in a newer translation, the same measures that you judge others, is what you will be judged with, I do hope they are prepared!)

They have only allowed her to work part time. They limit her outside activities. They had told her she could not move out of the house until she is married.

Her very insisitance on being treated as an adult is, in their opinion, a rebellion. Her desire to go to Bible college was heresy. (women are in the home, under a man's authority, therefore it is unnecessary).

I am so proud of this young woman. Not only has she made a stand for her rights as a woman, an Christian, and an American, but she's done it with respect for her parents beliefs. Never raising her voice to them. She's done it, quietly and calmly, simply stating that she would be moving out, and making her own decisions.
When she decided that she would be making her own boundries with her boyfriend, she wrote out a contract with her boyfriend and gave them to her parents.

So much better than I'd have handled it (or did when I was asserting my independence).

My mom, heartbroken because her family has imploded, or exploded, or both, agrees, that she must side with her granddaughter, is worried sick about the 2 minors left in the home. Neither of us know what to do about them. Obviously, since they are not talking to me, and it will be questionable if they will talk to her or not ... what will happen to them. Will they clamp down unreasonably hard on the 2 left in the home (the 18 year old moves away to college in the fall ...16 and 6 year old still at home)

I am wondering if I should write them or not. My sister knows That I do not think she has any real authority over my niece. My niece should respect them, but she has no authority that she has to obey.

Chronically Ill meets Caretaking

Each week, in the medblog world there is a phenomenon known as Grand Rounds. A Blogger cleverly puts together assortment of various and sundry entrants of the best of the medical blogsphere.

This week, Grand Rounds was hosted by The Happy Hospitalist.

I found one of my favorite bloggers at Grand Rounds quite a while back. ChronicBabe. Since then, we've become 'friends' on facebook as well as Twitter.

ChronicBabe is a website for those dealing with Chronic Illnesses ...but this blog entry is a particularly well thought out post for those who are chronically ill who suddenly (or not so) find themselves dealing with the issue of also caring for someone else who is chronically ill.


There is excellent advice in there. Some, I don't always follow it ..some I follow to the letter. If you are a caretaker this is a must read.

If you are a caretaker with a chronic illness ..this is a MUST READ.

If you have a chronic illness ...go take a look around Chronicbabes .. it's a nice time out of the day. Like chocolate on a tough day.

Chasing Song

http://youtube.com/watch?v=1bPZL0ROC_E#


Now and then these feet just take to wanderingNow and then I prop them up at homeSometimes I think about the consequencesSometimes I don't
Well, I realize that falling down ain't gracefulBut I thank the Lord that falling's full of graceSometimes I take my eyes off JesusAnd you know that's all it takes
Well I wish that I could say that at the close of every dayI was happy with the way that I'm behaving
'Cause Job, he chased and answerThe wise men chased the ChildJacob chased her 14 years and he Captured Rachel's smileMoses chased the Promised LandJoseph chased a dreamDavid, he chased God's own heartAll I ever seem to chase is me
Well, they say a race can only have one winnerAnd you know you've got to pull out front to winGod knows the only time I'm winningIs when I'm chasing Him
Well I wish that I could say that at the close of every dayI was happy with the way that I'm behaving
'Cause Samson chased a womanand he chased the PhilistinesI'm not quite sure what Jonah chasedBut I know he caught the seaCain, he chased the harvestWhile Abel chased the beastsDavid, he chased God's own heartAll I ever seem to chase is meAnd Jesus chased the moneymenAnd he chased his Father's willHe chased my sin to CalvaryAnd he caught it on that hillSaul, he chased the ChristiansTill his blindness made him seeDavid, he chased God's own heartAll I ever seem to chase is me~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A few years ago, I was in physical therapy with a therapist that was a christian. He and I were talking about how God seemed to be holding both of us to what we were learning in our Bible studies. It seemed, that we were being held to a higher standard than those of us around us. We wondered if it was to prove a point. One of obedience, surrender ... character. Being a witness for the name of God.
If we are going to declare ourselves Christian, and yet go around acting like slobs, using fowl language, complaining, speeding (breaking the laws of the land) and acting in ways that didn't separate us from anything else, then what really set us apart as a Christian? No wonder no one really liked Christians!
Shortly after that, I recieved TWO speeding tickets (like, within one week!!)
I happened to really like working out. Physical therapy to me was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed it with this particular therapist because we tended to talk about things of Bible studies, church, and things that were otherwise intellectually stimulating.
So, I would go ..and work out ...and really enjoy it ... until he'd make me do those dadblasted BALANCE exercises. I have awful balance. Lupus and MG have really destroyed my ability to balance, and he was determined to try to rebuild some of that.
So, we'd start to work on the balance ...and as soon as we did, I'd start to gripe and complain ..and moan and groan ...
well, shortly after we had the conversation of God holding us accountable for our behavior ... it never ever failed ... if my mouth started to be less than nice ... this particular song managed to find it's way on the radio within a sentence or two.
After about the third day, it made it's way through my consciencensss ... ok God. I get the point. Am I happy with the way that I am behaving?
The other day, after I'd posted the previous blog, i got into the car, and what was on the blog ...but the chasing song.
I know that I have to find a new way to respond ... I know that I have to find the appropriate way ... to find that balance in my response to mom. I wish that I could say that at the close of every day that I'm happy in the way that I'm behaving. I'm chasing myself in circles ... my balance is off ... the ability is there ...but God has the answer ...and in the long run, the answer is about HIM, and she is HIS child ...and that is where i need to be looking ...